As I look over the Bridge to Post documents and other various materials, it is at this point I feel reality really setting in. It’s been pretty painful actually. My mind racing through all the potential scenarios and endpoints after my service starts- the amazing walmart trips during camp, olympics with legos, summer days of nothingness with friends in Brooklyn that could be (especially now that we graduated) and other shenanigans. The documents say if the commitments seem unlikely to keep, then perhaps I should reconsider.
Well, let me confess: I have reconsidered everything in the last year. I have reconsidered graduating, camp, Peace Corps, friends and relationships, food consumption, the quitting of habits and what the little things mean for me in broader terms. I have reached 900 permutations of conclusion regarding all of these 900 things and every time it’s insanity.
It turns out that in order to help people, I have to be selfish too. Huh? When did this happen? And if I reconsider and don’t go- I’m being selfish and leaving a village without a volunteer. There’s also the high chance that if I decided not to go- I would need to get a job, start paying back student loans, and no one would hang out because everyone would be working too much to do the same thing. I know that summer camp life is an illusion- only a delay to the vicious recession lying underneath.
I have reconsidered what makes me happy. I am reconsidering who I am every day. Despite my aversion to leaving creature comforts and those I love SO much, I know that I will be so much better a person after Peace Corps. I will learn so much about myself- if this year long application process including preparation for staging and PST (Pre-service Training) is a fraction of how much I will grow over the next two years, then I think it’s pretty worth it.
It’s always best to reconsider, I think. I’ve learned that people that are so sure of something tend to count on it too much. A little doubt is healthy.