Reconsidering

As I look over the Bridge to Post documents and other various materials, it is at this point I feel reality really setting in. It’s been pretty painful actually. My mind racing through all the potential scenarios and endpoints after my service starts- the amazing walmart trips during camp, olympics with legos, summer days of nothingness with friends in Brooklyn that could be (especially now that we graduated) and other shenanigans. The documents say if the commitments seem unlikely to keep, then perhaps I should reconsider.

Well, let me confess: I have reconsidered everything in the last year. I have reconsidered graduating, camp, Peace Corps, friends and relationships, food consumption, the quitting of habits and what the little things mean for me in broader terms. I have reached 900 permutations of conclusion regarding all of these 900 things and every time it’s insanity.

It turns out that in order to help people, I have to be selfish too. Huh? When did this happen? And if I reconsider and don’t go- I’m being selfish and leaving a village without a volunteer. There’s also the high chance that if I decided not to go- I would need to get a job, start paying back student loans, and no one would hang out because everyone would be working too much to do the same thing. I know that summer camp life is an illusion- only a delay to the vicious recession lying underneath.

I have reconsidered what makes me happy. I am reconsidering who I am every day. Despite my aversion to leaving creature comforts and those I love SO much, I know that I will be so much better a person after Peace Corps. I will learn so much about myself- if this year long application process including preparation for staging and PST (Pre-service Training) is a fraction of how much I will grow over the next two years, then I think it’s pretty worth it.

It’s always best to reconsider, I think. I’ve learned that people that are so sure of something tend to count on it too much. A little doubt is healthy.

That said, I am still excited but hella nervous.

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3 Responses to Reconsidering

  1. Amanda Z says:

    Thanks for this post. This helps. I’m very much in the same boat at the moment (with both the PC Invite for the end of August to Nicaragua, versus more recently a school acceptance in Paris…). Simultaneously nervous and excited…I sooooo understand that…. Good luck, be brave, have an amazing time! And keep up the blogging! 🙂

  2. Carolyn says:

    Reconsidering is definitely healthy. I found myself in the same boat, I had actually told myself that I wasn’t going to go into the PC b/c I loved my life, had a good paying job, etc it was to the extent that I had bought a new car, signed a new apartment lease and made other long term commitments. But once I got my invite, I just couldn’t pass up the experience. I knew I’d always wonder “what if” or “what would I have been like” and I just couldn’t swallow forever living with that curiosity. It seems like you just graduated from college? From my post grad experience, any next step is going to be an intense one. I took a consulting gig and I’ve been in it for two years and still haven’t acclimated to not being in college…so just go with what will provide you with the most amount of value (however you want to measure that). the little stuff will work itself out.

  3. Jacquelyn says:

    Like the other two comments, I can completely understand where you’re coming from. I had an invitation to Ukraine last September, I accepted and went to staging and the morning we were leaving for our flight I decided not to go. Soooo I came home got a new job, bought a new car, etc. I started considering re-applying for Peace Corps within the same week I came home. I feel like I’ve missed out on something and know it will be such a unique experience, but at the time it felt like everything was happening too fast and I wasn’t ready to go. I know the fears are normal but I wish I had had more guts at the time and stuck it out. So I wish you the best and I hope you stick with it!

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